Previous: Part 2
One of the hardest questions I’ve ever encountered: who am I?
There are a lot of people who claim that they know the answer to this question, and some of them pressure others to answer the question far too soon, far too precisely. To me, the most important part of answering this question is honesty in accepting every part and understanding that we can be a mystery at any time, even to ourselves, unfolding a little at a time.
Accepting every part of ourselves doesn’t mean approving the behavior, or refusing to change it. For example, I understand and accept that I can be hyper and unfocused, especially when excited, but that doesn’t mean I need to sentence myself to a lifetime of unregulated, unfocused hyperactivity. By accepting it, I can recognize it as it’s happening and take action to regulate and focus my abundance of enthusiasm in a direction with the tools I learned and practiced from therapy, life, and research. Recognition leads to resolution. “Awareness is the first step,” as they say.
My favorite artist, Lindsey Stirling, recently produced a song that inspired me with its lyrical concepts and vivid imagery of our lives unfolding like a flower.
My favorite line from the song is from the chorus: “Sometimes, the pain of all the hard times is just trying to lead you to the good life.”
Answering the Question
So, who am I?
I could probably write an autobiography and still not adequately answer it. I have a healthy disbelief for anyone saying they not only know the answer to this question, but are able to answer it in a few words or labels that society gave them to use. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with societal labels, only that they are boxes and spaces on a shelf used to categorize humanity in easily recognizable and divisible groups. I believe the labels are meant to unite us with those of like-mindedness. More often than not, they are also weaponized to create an ‘US VS. THEM’ mentality. I’ve wondered at it my whole life, seldom feeling comfortable with the societal expectations of a herd mentality. I cried to a college professor, “I don’t fit into any of these boxes.” He told me that I didn’t have to. A therapist told me that I am a survivor who should accept my own suffering as valid without condemning myself. My Reiki Master taught me that each step is only one of many. My doula taught me that I can do anything for 60 seconds with the support of others.
When we become attached to labels that society has created, we limit ourselves and the people around us. Since childhood, I’ve bucked and rebelled when people would tell me what I could and could not do, or how I should or shouldn’t feel, or how I should or shouldn’t believe in the divine. I had to like pink, dresses, and make-up. I couldn’t play tackle football with my cousins, or walk to the corner store alone. I couldn’t like video games or anime. I had to like gossip, and be quiet. If I was strong-willed and outspoken, then I must be a feminist, or a lesbian. Society told me, repeatedly, who I should be without giving me the tools to discover my identity for myself. While going through compulsory education, I constantly wondered why we weren’t learning what I thought to be practical for our holistic wellness as individuals and as a civilization (comprehensive coverage of cooking and personal financial management and investment, for starters).
Self-actualization is what I would consider a life-long journey where we can quest for fulfillment and enlightenment. To me, labels distract from self-discovery and are only meant as clues for the rich existence within. Even as a lover of linguistics, I always try to keep in mind that our words only have meaning because we have agreed they do. My Reiki practice over the last 12 years led me to grapple with these concepts, repeatedly, as I cleansed and then built myself up, many times. I didn’t build myself up alone, but I had to reach my hand out and take the steps. No one could carry me to a peace I didn’t earn.
“Looking back, the main purpose of Reiho was not only to heal diseases, but also to have [the] right mind and healthy body so that people would enjoy and experience happiness in life.”
– Vennels, David F. Reiki Mastery: For Second Degree Students and Masters, 2005.
The only one I can control is myself, and I’m not perfect even when I am managing myself well. Instead of when I dreaded myself, though, I’ve grown to at least look forward to the growing that I still need to do. As a child, I was the hare. Now, I encourage the hare to freely dance over my own turtle shell as I conquer each day as its own adventure. Balance. Integrate. Focus.
Thank you for reading! Part 4 coming soon!
How do you power through the hard times?
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